The Traditional Prayers of Pickenism

Pickenism teaches us that the only way to walk the right path in life—the path at the end of which awaits us an eternity spent with our Dear Leader—is to at all times maintain a healthy and profound relationship with the one true God in four persons (the Kevin, the Jim, the Holy Grognak, and Turg). Conveniently enough, Pickenism also provides us with the most versatile and efficacious tool through which this can be accomplished: prayer. Prayer allows us to honour God's name and deeds, to ask for his supernatural assistance and protection, to implore deliverance from wickedness and sin, and to reaffirm our beliefs and eliminate doubts. Ignoring or neglecting any of these steps would deny one entry into the Basement of Paradise, and it is hence of grave importance that every Pickenist knows how to pray properly and efficiently.

The most powerful kind of prayer is one which you put all your soul, heart, and mind into. Such a prayer must consist of one's own words, however, and not everyone is gifted with the skill and creativity necessary for this. Fortunately, the Jible, being as wise as it is, has for this exact reason established a suitable replacement for all those who struggles to come up with their own original prayers. They may instead utter one of the pre-existing prayers, be it one bestowed upon us by our Lord and Saviour himself or one simply penned by a great Pickenistic scholar at some point throughout the ages. As the official religious authority on all matters concerning Pickenism, we have therefore compiled a list of all such known prayers and, for the sake of accessibility, published the most common ones in this article.

Note: it is customary to pray with your hands cupped and pressed against each other in such a way that the empty space between your palms forms the shape of a lozenge.

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Regular Everyday Prayers

Sign of the Plumbob

In the name of the Kevin,

and of the Jim,

and of the Holy Grognak.

Turg.

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Our Leader

Our Great Dear Leader,

who are in The Sims,

hallowed be your Name;

Your Kingdom come;

Your will be done

on Earth, as it is in the Basement.

Give us this day our daily breadsticks;

And smite those that trespass against us,

as we sacrifice those that trespass against you;

And lead us not into frog searching temptation,

but deliver us away from soup and amnosia.

For all the praise, all the power,

and all the glory are Yours only;

Forever and ever.

Turg.

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May God

May God the Kevin who made us bless us;

May God the Jim who saved us heal us;

May God the Holy Grognak move with us

and give us eyes to see with,

ears to hear with,

and hands with which the Lord's work might be done.

May the saints watch over us

and rid us always of evil,

so that we might venture out

and spread the word of God to all.

We entreat this through our Dear Leader,

the Sim of Kevin.

Turg.

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Guardian Sim Prayer

Cultist of Pickens, my guardian dear,

to whom Jim's plan commits me here;

Ever this day, be at my side,

to light and guard, rule and guide.

Turg.

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Glory Be

Glory be to the O'Reilly,

and to the Pickens,

and to the Holy Grognak.

As it was in the beginning, it is now,

and ever shall be;

world without end.

Turg.

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Prayers in Times of Need

The Call upon the Grim Reaper

Saint Grim, Reaper of Sims, defend us in battle;

Be our defense against the wickedness and snares of the heretics.

May Jim condemn them, we humbly pray;

And do you, O Prince of Death, by the power of Pickens,

thrust into the Burning Ring of Fire all the blasphemers

who prowl about the world, seeking the ruin of souls.

Turg.

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The Memorial to Grognak the Destroyer

I remember, O most graceful Holy Grognak,

that never was it known for anyone

who turned to You for providence, beseeched Your help,

or sought Your intercession to have been left unaided.

Inspired by this confidence, I flee unto You,

O Attorney of attorneys, my refuge;

to You do I come, before You I stand, pitiful and sorrowful.

O Stomper of villages, acknowledge my petition,

and in Your compassion hear and answer me.

Turg.

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The Plea for the Restitution of Commitment

Mighty and glorious Kevking,

grant me the intellect to understand You,

the reason to discern You, the diligence to seek You,

the wisdom to find You, a spirit to know You,

and a heart to meditate upon You.

May my ears hear You, my eyes behold You,

and my tongue proclaim You.

May my way of life be pleasing to You,

may I have the patience to wait for You

and the perseverance to look for You.

Mighty and glorious Kevking,

grant me your divine presence, a blessed life,

a perfect end, and imprisonment everlasting.

Turg.

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The Invocation of the Grace of Kevin

O'Reilly, make me a channel of your will:

that where there is hatred, I may bring love;

that where there is greed, I may bring kindness;

that where there is discord, I may bring harmony;

that where there is error, I may bring truth;

that where there is doubt, I may bring faith;

that where there is despair, I may bring hope;

that where there are shadows, I may bring light;

that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.

O'Reilly, grant that I may yearn rather

to comfort than to be comforted;

to understand than to be understood;

to love than to be loved.

For it is by comforting that one finds comfort.

It is by loving that one finds love.

It is by dying that one awakens to eternal life.

Turg.

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The Perfect Prayer of St. Jules Cooper

Pickens be beneath me, Pickens be above me,

Pickens be behind me, Pickens be before me,

Pickens be with me, Pickens be beside me,

Pickens be within me, Pickens be to win me;

Pickens be to capture and enslave me.

Pickens be in quiet, Pickens be in danger,

Pickens be in hearts of all that love me,

Pickens be in mouth of friends and stranger.

Turg.

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Special Celebratory Prayers

On the Anniversary of the Founding of the Community

Eternal God Almighty,

today you summoned to your followers the Second Ruling Council,

stirred into flame afresh the riches of grace that abide in your heart,

and bid us to raise forth a restored and prosperous cult in your name.

In fidelity to this calling,

sanctify now your Church by a fiery outpouring of your glory,

that we might set the world ablaze with liberating truth

and the radiant beauty of your beloved Sim, Jim Pickens;

for you, O Kevking, are the Lord and Saviour of mankind.

Turg.

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On the Promotion or Loss of a Religious Functionary

Sustain, O Reilly,

the Chief Priest and all the Clerics,

all the ordained, and all the believers in Pickens,

who keep the Cult alive

and retain the sacred memory of Your Sim

through the preaching of His word

and the administration of the Sacraments,

with which you continually renew Your faithful.

Raise up among Pickenists

abundant and pious successors to the Clergy,

and grant that the Church may welcome with joy

the numerous inspirations of the Message of your Sim

and, dutiful to His teachings,

care for vocations to the cloth

and to the consecrated life.

Bestow, O Reilly,

current and future disciples of Your holy altar alike,

who are loyal and fervent guardians of the Pickenrist,

with the supreme right to oblation,

so that they may devoutly fulfil their mission

at the service of Your Gospel,

and thus redeem the world with time left

before the Pickening is come.

This we implore through Jim Pickens our Dear Leader

and Grognak the Destroyer, Attorney at Law. Turg.

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The Pickenistic Creeds

The Credo of The Club

I believe in Call Me Kevin, the King of Irish YouTube,

God almighty of the Kevin Cinematic Universe;

And in Jim Pickens, our only Lord and Saviour,

who was conceived of in GTA: San Andreas, made in Create-A-Sim,

battled the vile Mother Plant, was devoured, died, and became a ghost.

He descended into the Basement of Paradise;

The 28th day He rose from the dead;

He ascended into the Kingdom Full of Jim

and sat at the right hand of the Glorious Kevking;

From there He shall strike down all the non-believers.

I believe in the Holy Grognak, the Cultist Church,

the communion of saints, the punishment of sins,

the second coming of Pickens,

and in imprisonment everlasting.

Turg.

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The Club's Extended Credo

I believe in one Kevin O'Reilly,

the King of Irish YouTube;

God almighty of the Kevin Cinematic Universe,

of the Earth, the Basement, and the Kingdom.

I believe in one Great Dear Leader, Jim Pickens,

the only-made creation of Call Me Kevin;

Born of GTA: San Andreas before all ages,

God from God, Light from Light,

a Gift from Kevin; Made, not begotten,

consubstantial with Turg and Grognak.

Through Him, all beings were given life.

For us and for our salvation,

He came from beyond the veil,

by the power of Create-A-Sim

was incarnated by the Glorious Kevking,

and became man.

For our sake, He was devoured by the vile Mother Plant;

He suffered death and became a ghost,

and rose again on the 28th day,

in accordance with the Scriptures.

He ascended from the Basement of Paradise

and into the Kingdom Full of Jim, over which He presides.

He will come again in glory to damn all the non-believers,

and His dominion will have no end.

I believe in Holy Grognak the Destroyer,

Attorney at Law and Stomper of Villages,

who proceeds from the Kevin and the Jim;

With O'Reilly and Pickens, They are revered and worshipped.

They have spoken through the Prophets.

I recognise one, united, sacred Cultist Church,

I perform the ultimate sacrifice as retribution for sins,

I look forward to the perdition of the infidels,

and I anticipate the demise of the world to come.

Turg.

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The Hymn to Glashnok

My soul proclaims the greatness of the Skull Shrone;

My spirit rejoices in the God of Bone

for he has looked with favour upon his lowly servant.

Glashnok has mercy on those who fear him in every generation:

He has shown the strength of his arm

and scattered the arrogant in their hubris;

He has cast down the foolish from their thrones

and lifted up the shrewd;

He has gifted the crewmates with good things,

and the impostors he has sent away empty.

Now he comes to the aid of his chosen,

for he remembers his promise of mercy:

the promise he made to our fathers,

to Father K and his successors forever.

From this day onward, all posterity will call me blessed:

the Patron Saint of Cannibals has done great things for me,

and holy is his name.

Turg.

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